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Family Matters

Rules for Kids' First Cell Phone

Are you considering getting your child their first cell phone?

If they are in the double digits, starting to spend a little time on their own or getting home by bus or walking, a cell phone can be a parent's friend. Some of us have chosen an age when a cell phone will happen; whether it's grade 3, 7 or 10, no judgment here. Every family is different and has different reasons for getting their child a mobile phone. Our oldest two set the precedence in our family when they were 12 and started bussing and being away from us for short stints. If you've decided your child will not have a cell phone until they are an adult or old enough to pay for it monthly, these rules may not be relevant for you and I applaud your resolve. I chose differently and I've had to learn along the way what that choice meant.

What I've learned and want to share is how to avoid or address some of the pitfalls we've faced as parents of five kids with five different cellphone experiences. These are mostly for elementary and junior high and are fluid, always changing. Our access and privacy rules definitely changed when they entered high school.

First, consider why your child NEEDS a cell phone. If it is for safety and your piece of mind knowing where they are, do they need a smart phone with access to the World Wide Web when they are out of the house with no supervision? If they are in elementary, probably not, but again it's your call. Just realize that your sweet, innocent 9 year old is curious and has friends who may be more curious. If you just put one curious word like... Say, "boobs" in a search engine, guess what will show up on their screen? A whole lot of boobs! This may or may not be a big deal to your family but imagine all the other curious words they can choose to access, with photos and videos! I had a friend find the word "fagina" in her computer Internet history when her sons were 8 and 10, which was her time to figure out how to safeguard them on the computer. Thank goodness for poor spelling :)

You can still get cell phones with voice and text only options or you can get a smart phone with no data plan for it: however, know they will still have access in wifi areas like friends' houses or at school. Be prepared to find questionable history if they have access to everything and anything. Kids are curious and you have just given them the answer to all their questions at their fingertips in Google!

Here are the RULES I wish we had started with before giving any of our kids a phone:

1. Access
The point of getting a cell phone for kids is usually because we want to be able to reach them (and they can reach us) when we or they are away from home. If we call or text, they should answer or respond as soon as possible.
Moms/dads have all the passwords and WE OWN the phone. The child is allowed to use the phone but it is not their possession to keep from you. If they are younger, maybe they only get access when they will be separated from their parents.
We will check the activity on the phone and the kids need to know up front that nothing is private, even if they delete it we can access the account history. This is not a spying tool for parents but an opportunity for our kids to learn about doing the right thing and for parents to help guide their child's journey in the online world.

2. Safety
If you do go the smartphone route, whether they are little or in high school:
- install a "find my phone" app. This allows you to find a lost phone... Or a lost or non-responsive child. Their location services must remain on at all times for this function to work.
- No communication with people they do not know. This holds true if they have a phone or when they begin playing online games on the family computer or tablet. These are scary discussions to have with our kids but if they are online, you need to have them. Age appropriate examples of online predators and the risks may save their lives.
- No downloading of apps without permission. Moms and dads need to know what's out there to be able to say yes or no. This is a daunting task if you aren't tech savvy and I guarantee your kids are more in-the-know then you are. If they ask to download an app you aren't familiar with, look into it. There are loads of parenting reviews available online. Say no if you're not comfortable and set an age when you may be more comfortable and they can have it.
- Set up parental controls on each device so they need a password to access downloads or certain apps. Each phone is different so check your specific phone details to do this. Don't wait, do it now.

3. Phones do NOT go to bed. The temptation of texting friends all night, the ambient light of a phone ruining sleep patterns and just a total disregard for the importance of sleep all get tested if phones go to bed with kids. They may try the "but it's my alarm clock" or "I just use it to fall asleep to music". Do not fall for this! Get them a clock radio or CD player with an alarm.

4. No phones at meals (I've broken this one on occasion and heard about it). Meal times should be spent together as much as possible and without the distraction of texts, games, videos, etc. It is a hard habit to break if you don't make the rule from the get-go. The people in front of you are much more important than the device in your hands; show them that.

5. Take care of it!
Consider what feels right for you, making them earn money for their first phone or gifting it to them. Kids are growing and learning to be responsible and they will make mistakes - that includes with their phones. Whether you bought the first one or they did, you have to decide if you will have mercy if they have one accident or lose it. I guarantee they will appreciate it more and take better care of it if they paid for it but that will work too if the repair or replacement phone was earned. Just whatever you do... Do not repair or replace a second time. It will never end! Trust me .

6. Photos, Videos and Sexting (I know, but read it!)
For the little ones, no taking pictures or videos of people without permission. Elementary kids have gotten themselves into hot water just being silly and thinking it's fun to share or show pictures of classmates in embarrassing situations, but it isn't fun for everyone. See, that was easy!

Now the hard part... Sending pornographic pics or videos of themselves or others through their phones (tablets and computers too) happening at far too young ages. I know this sounds horrific if you have kids who are very young and the concept of even bringing this up seems ridiculous; However, it's happening everyday in almost every junior high in the city. Ask your school administrators and you will find they are dealing with online bullying and sexting issues all the time. Cell phones make these situations very easy to get involved with and sadly it has become the norm. It freaks me out too, but if we don't have these conversations, monitor online activities and stay in the know, it may be our kids making this mistake, and it's a big one.
Can you imagine yourself when you had your first big crush? Can you remember peer pressure? Talking about societal issues and sexualization in the media is a whole other post, but media is influencing a generation and we can't turn a blind eye hoping it's not our child participating in these activities. I hope it isn't either, but they likely know, have seen or heard about a boy or girl who sent nude photos. Have the conversation.
Taking nude pics of underage kids is child pornography. Sending it through the Internet or a cell phone is distribution of child pornography. Even if it's the child taking and sending pictures of them self, it is still illegal. There are too many examples of kids being expelled from schools and some have been charged with these offenses. Even worse though is how it impacts the child when their private photos are shared with the entire class, school or on social media. They just didn't know how bad it could be sending one simple picture, but it can be horrible.

We need to educate our kids and prepare them for how their actions with their cell phones can change their lives in a moment. We also need to educate ourselves on the realities and dangers having access to anything can create.

Communication about the tough topics, set clear boundaries and rules, research apps, and "you own the phone" messaging all can help you in navigating the rough waters. Kids will make mistakes so be prepared for bumps in the road but by knowing and discussing in advance I hope these tips will help make your child's first cell phone experience a good one. Good luck!

Parental Alienation and the Effects on Children

March 28th, 2011

By: Michelle Garneau & Kent Taylor

Marriages and common law relationships in Canada ending in separation have climbed to a staggering 50 per cent, resulting in a rise in the number of situations where parental alienation is an issue. Parental alienation is a term used to describe a situation where one parent, usually the parent that the child resides with, attempts to turn the child against the other parent following a separation.  In this situation, the parent strongly dislikes the other parent and is unable to distinguish between their spousal issues and parental issues.

Alienation of a child from a parent can occur consciously or unconsciously and can range from mild to severe.  There are a number of ways a child can be alienated from a parent.

  1. A parent tells a child that they will not force him or her to see the other parent. 
  2. A parent phones the child and is told that the child is not in or does not want to speak with him or her when this is not true. 
  3. A parent plans a favorite activity or getaway that the child is very fond of at a time when the child is scheduled to be in the care of the other parent. 
  4. In severe cases, a parent’s negative feelings of hatred and fear toward the other parent are instilled in the child. 
  5. A child may be kept from seeing a parent because there is alleged emotional, physical or sexual abusive toward the child.  In some cases, this may be true. This is a very difficult situation and the parent may only be able to see the child            under specific conditions (i.e. limited supervised contact).

There are a number of reasons why a parent may alienate a child from the other parent. 

  1. They may want to get revenge on the other parent for having an affair or for ending the relationship and shattering their dreams of having a “family unit”. 
  2. They may have remarried or are in a new relationship and wish to remove the other parent from the child’s life in order to make room for the step parent and cement the new relationship. 
  3. In some cases, for their own security, they become so dependent on the child that they need the child to be loyal to them only.

An alienated parent may become helpless, frustrated, and may engage in counterattacks with the other parent.  On some occasions, an alienated parent may use gifts and trips to gain the child’s affection, or in the other extreme, they may “bully” the child into spending time with them.  In some cases, the parent who is being alienated may withdraw and stop making attempts to see the child at all.

Attempting to remove or withdraw a parent from a child’s life can have detrimental effects on their behavior.  The child may see the alienated parent as “all bad” and the other parent as “all good”.  They may be disrespectful toward the alienated parent such as being rude or hostile.  The child may use phrases or language that appears rehearsed or not congruent with the child’s age or level of language development.  They may give irrational or illogical reasons for not wanting to see the alienated parent.

The loss of a supportive and caring parent and all the memories of a good relationship with them can have serious temporary or long term effects on a child.  They can experience anger, loss of self-esteem and self-confidence, sleeping or eating disorders, educational difficulties, or other destructive behaviors.

In other cases, the child may pretend to dislike the alienated parent when in fact they do not feel this way.  As the child grows older, they can become aware that they have the power to manipulate the parent attempting to alienate them from the other parent.  This can be done by following or going against this parent’s wishes with regard to the alienated parent.  The attempt to turn a child against a parent can backfire if they realize what this parent has been doing and they may shift their loyalties toward the other parent.  Feelings of guilt may occur for the child once they figure out what the other parent has been doing.

Parental alienation can be prevented by recognizing the difference between one’s own needs and the needs of the child.  There is value in both parents being involved in the child’s life and educating oneself through books and articles about parental alienation.  There are ways of repairing the bond between the child and the parent who has been alienated.  In mild and moderate cases, one could engage in therapy for the child and the parents, or they could seek out a Divorce Coach or Family Mediator.  It is important to remember that children are entitled to a healthy relationship with each of their parents.  Parents need to resist becoming involved in any alienating behavior for the sake of their children.

Michelle Garneau has a B.Sc. in Psychology, is trained in mediation and negotiation through the Alberta Arbitration and Mediation Society, is a Registered Family Mediator and has completed over 500 mediations. Michelle assists families in resolving issues with parenting, child support, property division and communication. She provides a private, time efficient, flexible and affordable dispute resolution alternative. Contact Michelle for a confidential 20 minute no-charge phone consultation.

Kent Taylor mediates separation, divorce, workplace and elder conflicts, and successfully resolves parenting, child support, property and estate conflicts. He is a founding member of the Alberta Family Mediation Society and has taught Alternate Dispute Resolution in the Law Faculty at the University of Alberta. Contact Kent at 780-463-7749 for a confidential 20 minute no charge discussion of your issues and ask him about his hourly fee or flat rate.

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