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Family Matters

Rules for Kids' First Cell Phone

Are you considering getting your child their first cell phone?

If they are in the double digits, starting to spend a little time on their own or getting home by bus or walking, a cell phone can be a parent's friend. Some of us have chosen an age when a cell phone will happen; whether it's grade 3, 7 or 10, no judgment here. Every family is different and has different reasons for getting their child a mobile phone. Our oldest two set the precedence in our family when they were 12 and started bussing and being away from us for short stints. If you've decided your child will not have a cell phone until they are an adult or old enough to pay for it monthly, these rules may not be relevant for you and I applaud your resolve. I chose differently and I've had to learn along the way what that choice meant.

What I've learned and want to share is how to avoid or address some of the pitfalls we've faced as parents of five kids with five different cellphone experiences. These are mostly for elementary and junior high and are fluid, always changing. Our access and privacy rules definitely changed when they entered high school.

First, consider why your child NEEDS a cell phone. If it is for safety and your piece of mind knowing where they are, do they need a smart phone with access to the World Wide Web when they are out of the house with no supervision? If they are in elementary, probably not, but again it's your call. Just realize that your sweet, innocent 9 year old is curious and has friends who may be more curious. If you just put one curious word like... Say, "boobs" in a search engine, guess what will show up on their screen? A whole lot of boobs! This may or may not be a big deal to your family but imagine all the other curious words they can choose to access, with photos and videos! I had a friend find the word "fagina" in her computer Internet history when her sons were 8 and 10, which was her time to figure out how to safeguard them on the computer. Thank goodness for poor spelling :)

You can still get cell phones with voice and text only options or you can get a smart phone with no data plan for it: however, know they will still have access in wifi areas like friends' houses or at school. Be prepared to find questionable history if they have access to everything and anything. Kids are curious and you have just given them the answer to all their questions at their fingertips in Google!

Here are the RULES I wish we had started with before giving any of our kids a phone:

1. Access
The point of getting a cell phone for kids is usually because we want to be able to reach them (and they can reach us) when we or they are away from home. If we call or text, they should answer or respond as soon as possible.
Moms/dads have all the passwords and WE OWN the phone. The child is allowed to use the phone but it is not their possession to keep from you. If they are younger, maybe they only get access when they will be separated from their parents.
We will check the activity on the phone and the kids need to know up front that nothing is private, even if they delete it we can access the account history. This is not a spying tool for parents but an opportunity for our kids to learn about doing the right thing and for parents to help guide their child's journey in the online world.

2. Safety
If you do go the smartphone route, whether they are little or in high school:
- install a "find my phone" app. This allows you to find a lost phone... Or a lost or non-responsive child. Their location services must remain on at all times for this function to work.
- No communication with people they do not know. This holds true if they have a phone or when they begin playing online games on the family computer or tablet. These are scary discussions to have with our kids but if they are online, you need to have them. Age appropriate examples of online predators and the risks may save their lives.
- No downloading of apps without permission. Moms and dads need to know what's out there to be able to say yes or no. This is a daunting task if you aren't tech savvy and I guarantee your kids are more in-the-know then you are. If they ask to download an app you aren't familiar with, look into it. There are loads of parenting reviews available online. Say no if you're not comfortable and set an age when you may be more comfortable and they can have it.
- Set up parental controls on each device so they need a password to access downloads or certain apps. Each phone is different so check your specific phone details to do this. Don't wait, do it now.

3. Phones do NOT go to bed. The temptation of texting friends all night, the ambient light of a phone ruining sleep patterns and just a total disregard for the importance of sleep all get tested if phones go to bed with kids. They may try the "but it's my alarm clock" or "I just use it to fall asleep to music". Do not fall for this! Get them a clock radio or CD player with an alarm.

4. No phones at meals (I've broken this one on occasion and heard about it). Meal times should be spent together as much as possible and without the distraction of texts, games, videos, etc. It is a hard habit to break if you don't make the rule from the get-go. The people in front of you are much more important than the device in your hands; show them that.

5. Take care of it!
Consider what feels right for you, making them earn money for their first phone or gifting it to them. Kids are growing and learning to be responsible and they will make mistakes - that includes with their phones. Whether you bought the first one or they did, you have to decide if you will have mercy if they have one accident or lose it. I guarantee they will appreciate it more and take better care of it if they paid for it but that will work too if the repair or replacement phone was earned. Just whatever you do... Do not repair or replace a second time. It will never end! Trust me .

6. Photos, Videos and Sexting (I know, but read it!)
For the little ones, no taking pictures or videos of people without permission. Elementary kids have gotten themselves into hot water just being silly and thinking it's fun to share or show pictures of classmates in embarrassing situations, but it isn't fun for everyone. See, that was easy!

Now the hard part... Sending pornographic pics or videos of themselves or others through their phones (tablets and computers too) happening at far too young ages. I know this sounds horrific if you have kids who are very young and the concept of even bringing this up seems ridiculous; However, it's happening everyday in almost every junior high in the city. Ask your school administrators and you will find they are dealing with online bullying and sexting issues all the time. Cell phones make these situations very easy to get involved with and sadly it has become the norm. It freaks me out too, but if we don't have these conversations, monitor online activities and stay in the know, it may be our kids making this mistake, and it's a big one.
Can you imagine yourself when you had your first big crush? Can you remember peer pressure? Talking about societal issues and sexualization in the media is a whole other post, but media is influencing a generation and we can't turn a blind eye hoping it's not our child participating in these activities. I hope it isn't either, but they likely know, have seen or heard about a boy or girl who sent nude photos. Have the conversation.
Taking nude pics of underage kids is child pornography. Sending it through the Internet or a cell phone is distribution of child pornography. Even if it's the child taking and sending pictures of them self, it is still illegal. There are too many examples of kids being expelled from schools and some have been charged with these offenses. Even worse though is how it impacts the child when their private photos are shared with the entire class, school or on social media. They just didn't know how bad it could be sending one simple picture, but it can be horrible.

We need to educate our kids and prepare them for how their actions with their cell phones can change their lives in a moment. We also need to educate ourselves on the realities and dangers having access to anything can create.

Communication about the tough topics, set clear boundaries and rules, research apps, and "you own the phone" messaging all can help you in navigating the rough waters. Kids will make mistakes so be prepared for bumps in the road but by knowing and discussing in advance I hope these tips will help make your child's first cell phone experience a good one. Good luck!

Who’s the Lazy One, You or Your Child?

February 23rd, 2014

By Nancy Rose

At a recent parenting workshop, a mom asked for advice on what to do about her “lazy” teenage son. Not an uncommon issue for parents of teenagers, but I needed more information before I could help. I asked her to describe what his laziness looked like.

“He’s 15,” she said, “and he spends all his time in his room playing video games.” He refuses to do any chores around the house and doesn’t listen to anything we say to him.”

Lazy is defined by Webster as not liking to work hard or to be active. When you repeatedly tell your son he’s lazy, he’s going to start believing that he’s not a hard worker. Is that what you want for him, to think of himself as a lazy person? More likely, you want to help him develop the self-discipline to do what’s expected of him.

No one is born lazy. We come into this world with certain inborn traits that are the basis of “who we are.” I call these nine traits the CoreSelf, and I teach parents to look to these nine traits to understand which parts of their child they cannot change. Laziness is not one of these inborn traits. There are however CoreSelf traits that can be mistaken for laziness, or can contribute to laziness if the child doesn’t learn how to manage these traits. For example, low activity, low adaptability, low ease with the unfamiliar and low persistence.

But not working hard is learned behaviour. Kids do what works for them in their family. If parents are leaders who put in the effort to lead, kids respond. If parents have abdicated that leadership responsibility, kids who rule the roost with their inaction and isolation are filling that vacuum.

Back to our lazy 15-year-old: why wouldn’t he sit around and play video games instead of doing chores? He’s learned that he can do whatever he pleases with no consequences other than his parents nagging him and calling him lazy.

Have you inadvertently taught your child to be lazy? Let’s look more closely at the relationship between our lazy 15-year-old and his parents using the Six Leadership Tools for parents:

  1. Do you emphasize the family? Children, like adults, thrive when they feel they are a part of something bigger than themselves. A sense of belonging fosters cooperation, where everyone contributes to the common good. Emphasizing the family teaches children that their actions affect others.

  2. Do you set and communicate clear consistent standards of behaviour? Have you let your son know exactly what you expect him to do? Does he know that he is expected to get the trash cans to the curb every Thursday night? Are you consistent or hit-or-miss? Do you sometimes take care of it because you figure he won’t?

  3. Do you build in accountability? Here’s where things often start to break down. If you’re wondering why you have to constantly nag your kids to do what they’re supposed to do, ask yourself whether you’re holding them accountable for following through. If you don’t check to make sure they’ve done what’s expected, you may be encouraging noncompliance, because they know you don’t follow through on your end!

  4. Do you follow through with clearly communicated consequences? How many times have you heard parents warn their kids of some consequence if they don’t behave and then not follow through? These parents are actually training their kids to ignore them! If there’s no real bottom line, some children will do exactly what they want to do, tuning out the constant nagging and threats.

  5. Do you use the language of leadership? Words are profoundly powerful and effective parent leaders use “I” messages rather than “you” messages. “I” messages convey how you feel as a result of your child’s behavior, rather than the spoken or unspoken blame that’s inherent in “you” messages. When you call your son lazy, you are labeling him with a derogatory term.

  6. Do you walk the walk of a leader? Are you modeling the self-discipline in following through on your commitments, even the ones you don’t enjoy doing? Do you make excuses or just ignore your spouse’s requests for you to get things done?

Has a lack of parental leadership contributed to your child’s “laziness”? Has your parenting been lazy? Perhaps.

Nancy Rose, “The Acceptance Advocate,” is an author and speaker who just released her first book, Raise the Child You’ve Got—Not the One You Want. She has two grown sons and lives in the Napa Valley. Learn more at


Tags: advice, Parenting

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